When I was 10 years old I showed up to school one day and everything changed. I was sitting at my desk at snack time and this girl, a sassy little thing dressed in 80s perfection, looked down at my feet and sneered “You’re wearing Pony’s?”
I was perplexed. Pony was the name on the side of my very ordinary sneakers. I asked Miss Thang what was wrong with my shoes.
“Pony’s are from K-Mart and K-mart is cheap.”
She was very quick to explain to me that Nike were the best shoes out. I distinctly remember going home and demanding I get a pair of Nike shoes so that I could rid myself of the sickly embarrassed feeling in my stomach.
And so in as much time as it took this girl to flick her pony tail in disgust, I got schooled: being poor was deplorable and I had to fit in. Poof! A nice little complex was developed, wrapped neatly and tied in a bow.
It’s amazing the things we carry around with us. The beliefs that get embedded in our minds and drag us around like slaves for most of our lives. In that one interaction a few beliefs were formed about two of the most sensitive subjects for most people: money and belonging. And after that I collected quite a robust catalogue of evidence to support those beliefs, because my friends, that is what our brains do. We search for evidence of our ‘rightness’ and we categorize. So over my life those two little beliefs have ruled a lot of my decisions.
Being poor is deplorable.
I have to fit in.
Isn’t it interesting that I’ve now decided to develop my own businesses? Because guess what?!?
Usually starting up a business means not making much money for a while.
Also? Usually when starting a business you have to find a way to stand out.
Which is the other thing we do. We create situations that provide us with opportunity to heal. Yup. Basically we torture ourselves until we figure out the source of our suffering and get enough courage up to face it. Joking. I don’t believe we create these situations because we enjoy the pain of self-flagellation (though, hey, if you’re into that-no judgement here!).
I believe we create these situations because our Soul knows these beliefs are making us bat-shit crazy and we need to just get over ourselves. And furthermore I believe that God/Godess gets involved and shifts things around to help us out in getting the message. Not because S/He is out to get us, but because we are not meant to be neurotic messes living tied to some arbitrary decision we made about life at ten years old!
This is where meditation becomes helpful. It builds our focus and concentration so we can see clearly the beliefs we are carrying and examine them. The other day during meditation I noticed a stream of thoughts coming up and I could see that they were all related to a feeling of discomfort that others were judging me. I was able to feel the feelings around those thoughts. I was able to see that really I just wanted to fit in, to be accepted, to belong. Then, I saw an image of a platypus.
A platypus? I could not for the life of me understand why I was seeing a platypus until I went and looked up the symbolism of this oddball creature and read: ” When platypus comes into our life it’s time to realise that on some level, we just don’t fit in, and we should be proud of it.”
Huh. Well looky there. Folks, I have learned not to question these things. Years ago during meditation I saw the symbol of Taurus and soon after met my husband (you guessed it–he’s a Taurus!). So if this crazy little critter has appeared in my meditation to tell me to let my Freak Flag fly, well so be it.
Really, don’t we all just want to fit in? But when we have to twist and contort ourselves so much that we’re no longer recognizable even to ourselves, honey it’s time to give up the ghost. It’s hard work and I’m tired. How about you?