It had been brewing all week. The feeling of ‘I don’t think I can do this anymore.” I’d been teetering on the edge for days, working through all the old, stale beliefs that came up, pushing up against the boundaries of ‘me,’ and I was exhausted.
So yesterday I quit.
I woke up the night before last in a fitful sleep of anxiety which stayed with me till the early morning hours. When I woke in the morning I knew it was going to be one of those days. So I just gave into it. I quit life.
I quit trying. I quit fighting reality. I quit trying to ‘shift’ my mood. As a person who values self-growth so highly (and who is ridiculously analytical) I sometimes get caught up in the illusion of looking at every little thought, feeling, or situation as some kind of clue in search of the answer to my problems.
So I also quit trying to figure out life. Again. This is a lesson I’m circling back around to….
I kept my big girl out of school (she’d shown signs of exhaustion the day before crying on the way back from school ‘I’ve had a big day’) and I spent most of the day in bed. I let the anxiety wash over me when it came up and I breathed through. I took a hot bath and when it cooled my two girls joined me and I found joy in their company, in their smiles. I had moments of feeling so flat I desperately needed to be alone, so I found ways to accommodate that.
In the quitting there’s a lightness even though the feelings are dark. I’m not scared to go there any longer. Even in the burning tingling of anxiety that begins at my feet and rushes up to my chest I find Life.
Last night I still slept fitfully. I woke up in the early morning hours today with a sore head. Life hadn’t magically changed, but I noticed the sounds of the birds and my heart felt happy to be here. Instead of feeling flat I felt a fluttering of energy in my body. I felt moved to do restorative yoga in bed. I meditated. My kids got up and I snuggled them tight. I felt inspired to write.
I can feel the wonder of a new day stretching out ahead of me. I wonder what will happen today? I wonder what I will choose today?
For today I choose to quit quitting.